Phone Sex Operators Wanted

There are many times in life when you’re faced with a fork in the road; do I go left or do I travel to the right? It’s during these critical times that your educational background doesn’t come in handy–I mean, if you had paid more attention in Mr. Morris’ algebra class–it still wouldn’t help you decide. And what about listening to Mrs. Gaddis is 8th grade Science class? Nope–you would still be totally clueless. That’s when you turn to your best friend for guidance; someone who’s been there through it all and will not judge you no matter what. And that’s exactly what I did two years ago when faced with an employment dilemma.

Nando: Cris, I’m going to become a phone sex operator.
Cris: What? Are you crazy? Have you thought this through? What will you tell your future adopted kids from China when they find out?
Nando: Well, the hours are good and the pay looks great. And the kids will understand. Right?
Cris: What’s your phone sex name gonna be?
Nando: I haven’t even thought about it.
Cris: Mine would be Celeste.
Nando: You came up with that pretty quickly–is there something you’re not telling me?

At that time I was known only for my photography and was working freelance but work wasn’t flowing in as steadily as I would have liked so I research new job possibilities. I also went to visit Cris in Chicago to get away from my stress and relax for a bit. It was there, in the Chicago newspaper that I noticed this ad:

Wanted: Male phone sex operators. Flexible hours. Great Pay. Call Denise for more info: 555-555-5555

Was I crossing a line in my life that I’d later regret? I certainly wouldn’t be able to put that on my resume. I began to imagine my next job interview with a pasty-faced HR person, “So, Mr. Rodriguez, it says here that you worked for two staffing agencies in five years, then you went to work as a phone sex operator, for “555-BIG MEAT” is that correct?”

I called the number to get more information on the position and to find out if I’d be sexually pleasing women through the phone or would it be men. These were the types of questions this particular job required me to ask–usually during job inquiries I’d asked where the nearest deli was or what made them start to work for the company, but those questions didn’t really seem to apply.

Receptionist: Hi, thank you for calling Fantasy Inc., how may I direct your call?
Nando: I’d like to speak to Denies please.

As I was placed on hold I was intrigued at what was playing, it wasn’t hold music but recordings of their services with various sultry voices.

“Hi, I’m Trish and I’ll take care of all your needs today.”

and

“This is Marsha and (insert sexy giggle) I’m all yours for as long as you want.”

Then I heard a husky masculine voice.

“Hi, it’s Harry and I want nothing more than to be your fantasy come true.”

As I began to fantasize, Denise picked up and interrupted my loin cloth image of Harry.

Denise: Hi, this is Denise, how may I help you?
Nando: Hi, my name is Nando and I’d like to apply for your phone sex operator position.
Denise: Hi Nando, thanks for calling in. Now have you ever done phone sex work before?
Nando: No, but I used to do phone surveys for Coca-Cola a while back.

“Great,” I thought, now I sound like an idiot.

Denise: Oh, that’s great so you have experience working on the phones? Well, this is a little different because it’s all sexual in nature. Is that something that you’re okay with?
Nando: Sure. (Oh God, what am I doing?)
Denise: Well, that’s wonderful. Now Nando, do you have you’re own land line to have these calls directed to you? We’ll screen the calls and depending on your preferences: role play, animal sex, or incest–the calls will be patched along to you.

“Oh my God! Incest? Animal Sex?” I could barely get through the entire new release of Charlotte’s Web and she wants me to have animal phone sex?

Nando: Uhm, are there other preferences to choose from?
Denise: Sure, but those are the most popular.
Nando: Will I be working with men or women?
Denise: A little of both. Are you okay with that?
Nando: Well, to be honest, I think I would be better with men.
Denise: Uh hu. Okay, let me just write this down.
Nando: And what’s the pay exactly?
Denise: Every call that we patch through, we charge the caller $3.99 per minute and you’ll get 99 cents of that. And if you start to get requests, then you’ll get $2.00 of that.
Nando: Okay, so what’s the next step?
Denise: I need you to do a quick voice demo with me and fantasy role play and then I’ll call you back with the results after it’s been reviewed.

Should I let her know that I don’t work well under pressure?

Nando: I have to simulate a phone sex call right now?
Denise: Yes.
Nando: With you?
Denise: Yes.
Nando: Really?
Denise: Let’s begin. Hi, I’m Tina and I’m very horny.
Nando: Uhm, hi, Tina, you sound very polite and smart.
Denise: I’m naked, my husband’s gone and I’m rubbing myself in all my naughty spots.
Nando: Oh really? Well, I’ve heard that many men can’t really satisfy women–have you ever tried lesbian sex?
Denise: Oh, like a threesome with you and another woman? Oh, that’s hot, what would you do to us?
Nando: Well, I am a director of sorts, so I’d probably coordinate what the best position for you both would be in order to get the most satisfaction…
Denise: (Interrupting me) Ok, Nando I think this’ll do. I’ll call you back and let you know what the review committee thinks and we’ll go from there.
Nando: Oh, great. Thank you Denise. I really look…
Denise: CLICK.

I never heard back from Denise or the review committee. I was really disappointed because that night Cris and I came up with several scenarios that I could recite but never used. I just didn’t have what it took to be a phone sex operator and I am okay with it–at least I won’t have to explain anything to my future adopted Chinese children. I mean, what would Mei Ling and Bruce Lee say during their play dates when asked what their gay father did for a living? Plus, I never could decide on a phone sex name–and that was the biggest shame of all.

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