They say November is the month of new beginnings and new starts. I have to admit that for me it’s true. I’m on that continuous mission that man must endure–that mission to walk the path of enlightenment, new experiences, and let’s not forget Macy’s fashion sales.
Calling me at work
Ali: Nando who were those guys staring at us at Splash this past weekend?
Nando: Oh, they were fans of mine.
Ali: No, I’m serious, who were they?
Nando: I’m not lying. While I was waiting for you to arrive, this guy came up to me and said, “Hi Nando, I’m a fan of your blogs and I want to introduce you to my boyfriend.” His name was Artie and he brought his boyfriend over and introduced us. Then, as they left, Artie turned back around and said, “I really hope something happens to you tonight–so I can read all about it tomorrow!”
Ali: Well, they were starring at us all night long.
Nando: Now I know how Jennifer Lopez feels when she’s out. Hey, when are we getting our winter clothes from your cousin’s house in Queens?
Ali: I don’t know it’s difficult to time these things, between the dates, the clubs, and …
Nando: (Interrupting him) The one-night stands.
Ali: There’s nothing wrong with “hitting it from the back with no strings attached.”
Nando: You know, we could go and buy new winter clothes. Besides, you really need a new coat–what you have now is very 1984.
Ali: (In a panic) Really? Oh God! Okay–can we go today after work, are you free?
Nando: You have a Macy’s credit card, right?
Ali: Yeah.
Nando: I’m free.
I arrived at New York’s 34th Street Herald Square–home to Macy’s, the Manhattan Mall, and Kenny the flasher–who on a warm day will flash you while walking past him showing off his beefy Italian sausage. He’s usually out there weekdays after 6pm, except for Wednesdays. Don’t Judge.
I found myself inside a wonderland full of shoppers, expensive shiny items, and the place where “wanna be” drag queens go to work…at the Macy’s Estee Lauder’s make-up counter. As I took the elevator up to the third floor and departed the rusty contraption, I was in heaven–shoe heaven. To my right, Kenneth Cole, to my left Diesel, and all over I could see Pumas, Calvin Kleins, and Hugo Boss’–Oh my! It was at that very moment, I concluded that I had reached the age of understanding. Being 32-years-old meant I should give up certain life struggles. No longer would I have the same pains as I did when I was a mere adolescent. No longer would I fantasize, “When will it be my turn?” Yes, you know me too well; I was talking about snow boots.
You see, the Brooklyn block I live on does a horrible job at cleaning the snow in the winter and when it falls and I end up slipping and sliding my way to the subway every morning. Not this year, this year I had wisdom, this year I had acceptance, this year I had Ali’s credit card!
I also needed shoes for my causal-shoe days. I needed shoes that would express my carefree ways, my creative flare, and my need for comfort. I found the perfect shoe. It looked like a Vans slip on shoe, but it had a more “Nandoish” flare. I immediately found a young timid sales clerk to attend to my every need. Soon, I was surrounded by boxes of shoes, boots, and loafers. I felt just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman–except my hair was better conditioned. I was having such a hard time deciding between two pairs of boots–do I want a buckle or a slip-on boot? Then I felt it–a sensation. What was that feeling? Guilt? Shame? Here I am buying shoes while there are several children out in the world who are in need. There are children who cannot fend for themselves, children who will never experience a new shoe, children who are less fortunate. To my relief, the sensation was my phone vibrating and not the other stuff.
Nando: Where are you?
Ali: I just passed Kenny the flasher.
Nando: Oh, come up–third floor, shoe department.
Ali instinctively found me behind a stack of boxes as I was sitting down trying on a pair of Timberland snow boots.
Nando: Okay, you’re getting these boots and those loafers over there.
Ali: I am? I really don’t like the loafers Nando. I’m not a loafer kind of guy.
Nando: These are not for you! They’re for me.
I left my shoes at the counter and reassured the clerk we would return. I explained we were only in the beginning phases of our Macy’s shopping experience. We toured the various departments. Ali always heads for the suits. I head for the trendy blazers. He came running up to me with a Brown Pin Striped suit by Perry Ellis in hand. He tried it on and it looked perfect. I have to admit, on him a suit looks like it should–on me; a suit looks like I’m ready to sell you a used car with no engine.
I enjoy spending time with Ali because we explore all areas of life when together. We talk about worldly issues, love, and gossip about our other friends who aren’t ther and can’t fend for themselves.
Nando: Were you in love with Michael?
Ali: Which Michael? Michael B., Michael S., or Michael G.?
Nando: Uhm….Michael B.
Ali: No. But I was in love with John.
Nando: Which John? John M., John R., or John Q.?
Ali: Nando, why do you shy away from meaningful relationship?
Nando: I don’t shy away from meaningful relationships. I just haven’t found the right person. And who are you to talk?
Ali: I’ve had meaningful relationships.
Nando: Sharing a worm from the same tequila bottle does not make a meaningful relationship.
Ali: Well, I think you are too picky. Like the sex moan/shake issue-thing that you have.
Nando: I won’t sacrifice certain things. And pardon me, but I don’t find it sexy when a guy is in the “throws of passion” and he starts jerking uncontrollably before he is about to “explode” in ecstasy. It’s frightening and disgusting; it’s like watching some one have an epileptic attack–naked and in my bed. I had a cousin who had seizures and I witnessed a few growing up. And when I’m with a guy who does that, I think of my Aunt Terry yelling at us, “Go get the spoon to put in her mouth so she won’t bite her tongue off!”
Ali: Well, I think it’s sexy. And what about moaning? You don’t like moaning?
Nando: I like moaning. Who said I didn’t? And since when do you moan? You never moaned with me.
Ali: What does that tell you?
We took the escalator down to the basement, where they housed their winter coats. On our way down, I noticed that Macy’s is in the process of transforming the store into a Holiday Wonderland. It filled me with the spirit of Christmas to see holly, garland, and several disgruntled Macy’s employees.
Employee 1: I can’t stand all this shit. Now, for the next three months I’m gonna have to see all this holiday crap hanging all over the store.
Employee 2: I know. I hate all this festive shiny shit.
We made it to the coat department and there they were, hanging in all their glory. We picked a few selected styles and tried them on. Once again, when you’re short, like me–certain things don’t look right. Ali and his tall frame were slipping on coat after coat looking as if he were ready to walk the runways in Milan. I on the other hand was slipping into a depression, nothing looked right. Then it happened. He saw the perfect coat. Only one problem, another man was trying it on.
Ali: Oh Nando–there is it. The one I want. But there’s only one and he has it.
Nando: Are you sure, that’s the one?
Ali: I have tears in my eyes.
Nando: Okay, let me handle this.
I walked over to this stranger trying on the coat in front of a mirror.
Nando: Hi sir, that’s a lovely coat.
Stranger: Yes, it is.
Nando: It’s a nice fit on you.
Stranger: Yeah? You think so?
Nando: Oh, I am positive. With that coat, you will definitely pick up all the homosexuals you want.
Stranger: I’m not gay!
Nando: Really? Oh, I’m so sorry; it’s just that the style of coat SCREAMS out, “I’m gay! I’m gay–Please lead me to the nearest Judy Garland fest!”
Stranger: (looking in the mirror) Oh my God–it does. I don’t want it.
The man violently hoisted the coat on top of the rack and ran out. Ali joined me and tried on the coat, which was a perfect fit. It should have been–at $500.00. We headed towards the cash register and felt accomplished, proud, and hungry.
Ali: I’m doing the math, and I don’t think I have enough credit for all our things Nando.
Nando: Well, you better put something back–I am not leaving here without my snow boots!
Ali: I need these things for work Nando.
Nando: I need snow boots Ali, I am 32-years old and it’s a “must have item” at that age!
Ali: Well, what are we going to do?
Nando: Give me your credit card.
I dialed Macy’s customer service.
Nando: Hi, this is Ali and I’d like a credit increase please.
Macy’s Customer Service Rep: Yes, sir. Can I please get your Social Security Number to verify the account holder?
Nando: Sure, It’s 555-55-5555
Macy’s Customer Service Rep: Please hold.
Ali is looking at me puzzled.
Ali: Nando, how do you know my Social?
Nando: This is not the time Ali. Do you want the increase or do you want to play question and answer?
Ali: Increase.
Nando: Then shut up and get in line. (Talking to the rep) Yes, sir I would like a $1,000 increase. I’m here at your fine department store and there are so many tempting things all around, but I’m afraid that I can’t get them all on my current limit. I’m sure you will help me out. If you reference my account history, you will see that I am in good standing.
Ali: Nando, don’t over do it.
Nando: Ali let me handle this, go stand in line and pay for the stuff.
Ali walked over to the register and placed our items on the counter. We had coats, suits, blazers, boots, and shoes. The 80-year-old cashier woman looked tired, frustrated, and near-death. She rang up our items and I stood there in shock as I saw her folding the suit up to place it in a regular shopping bag.
Nando: Excuse me, please do not fold the suit.
Near-death cashier: (Ignoring me–folding the arms)
Nando: LADY! DO NOT FOLD THE ARMS!
Near-death cashier: (Ignoring me–folding the suit in half)
Nando: DO NOT FOLD THE SUIT IN HALF!
Near-death cashier: (Ignoring me–placing the suit in the shopping bag)
Nando: LADY! LADY! HELLO! NO! NO! You do not fold a $400.00 suit in half and then place it in a common shopping bag! You pull that shit out of there and go get me a garment bag. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
Near-death cashier: We’re all out.
Nando: Then you better march your happy-ass to the men’s department on the 4th floor and get one.
Near-death cashier: (Cuts me an evil look and walked away)
Macy’s Customer Service Rep: Sir, I’ve increased your limit to $2,000.00. Enjoy the holidays.
The cashier returned with a garment bag, a coat bag and an even worse attitude. As we left Macy’s–feeling like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman–we headed to Haandi’s, a cheap Pakistani restaurant on 27th and Lexington–okay, maybe not so much like Julia Roberts but certainly a Pakistani-Mexican New York City fairytale.
Moral of the story:
A. Snow boots are necessary at age 32.
B. Epileptics have ruined my sex life.
C. If you ever live with me, expect a credit check.
RELATED LINKS:
Nando & Ali Stealing From The Dead
Nando Goes Speed Dating
Nando & His Washington Trip
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